A Rum Deal — Regina v. Faulkner

The people are real, the cases are real, the rulings are final.

Order!

Today, in the Court for Crown Cases Reserved on the 16th of January 1877, Mr. Robert Faulkner stands trial to appeal the guilty verdict for larceny and arson. The sentence set forth by the jury in the lower courts is seven years of imprisonment with hard labour.

Let the appeal begin!

On that fateful day, the 26th day of June 1876, Mr. Faulkner, a seaman and prisoner aboard Zemindar sneaked down to the bulk head hold, bore a hole in a cask, and proceeded to steal and consume our rum made from the finest molasses. As he attempted to seal the hole, he lit a match and ignited the alcohol with the felonious, unlawful, and malicious intent of burning the ship to ash.

Objection!

The accused only wished to wet his whistle after he was deprived of liquid as a prisoner. Here in Ireland, it is not a crime to drink alcohol, even if it is rum and not whiskey. His vision was impaired whilst attempting to seal the hole of the cask. So, in an act of negligent foolishness and recklessness, Mr. Faulkner lit a match, which ignited the alcohol. There was no malicious mens rea (“guilty mind”) or intent on board the Zemindar on the 26th of June, 1876.

Order!

I have heard enough. I conclude that the accused was criminally negligent. The accused had no intent to burn down the ship, though he did wish to commit larceny, but his biggest crime is his taste in alcohol. The original jury’s instruction to consider that one intent assumes another intention was improper. Conviction overturned.

*Judge takes a bow*

So there you have it, since my intent isn’t for these blogs to be completely shameful, I get off scot-free.

Did you play “Clicks to Hitler/Jesus”? Comment your scores.

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